confusion

I don't know if I can do this anymore. I know I've said that before... but I'm seriously tired of this. I hate John. I really really hate John. Our relationship isn't healthy. I can't deal with this anymore. He's never going to change, and I need to realize that. I wish life was easier.

Gran Torino

So, I just watched Gran Torino. It was bittersweet. I would write more, but I have to reflect a little more. Although, you should see it. Now.

I has a secret

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I'm pregnant.






YAY!!!!


...So, now that I am preggo again, there are some things I am majorly excited about that are actually feasible this time around.

1.) John being here throughout the pregnancy!!! Last time I had some major jealously issues with people that had their significant others home with them. Now he'll be here for every single thing. The kicks, watching my belly grow, and most importantly, being at the birth. I am soooooooo incredibly excited about this.

2.) Having John there after the baby is born. I don't have to do this alone again! I don't think I would be strong enough again.

3.) Having a midwife and a home birth. This IS happening. I can do it. I want to do this.

4.) Not finding out the gender. I'm serious. I do not want to know. I want the surprise.

5.) Tandem nursing! I've always been amazed by people who were able to nurse tandemly. I really really hope it works for me.


I've been thinking about these things all day. I'm soooooo freaking excited! I know there's more, but I can't think of any of them right now.

Civil Rights Experiment

So, I've decided to run an experiment. This experiment consists of me executing my constitutional rights. Mainly, the 4th amendment. My right to be protected against unreasonable searches and seizures. This mainly consists of radical loss prevention tactics at large stores (i.e. receipt checks). These receipt checks violate my 4th amendment rights, and are supposed to be voluntary. They can not harass you, detain you, ect. If they tried, that would be considered false imprisonment and/or assault and battery.
I'm sure you are wondering why I would even do this. First of all, this is a horrible consumer practice. You're basically accusing everyone of shoplifting. Guilty until proven innocent?? I think not. In order for them to detain you and place you in citizens arrest they have to have probable cause. Probable cause for shoplifting includes all of the following:
1.) They must see the shoplifter approach the merchandise
2.) They must see the shoplifter select the merchandise
3.) They must see the shoplifter conceal, convert, or carry away the merchandise
4.) They must maintain continuous observation of the shoplifter
5.) They must fail to see the shoplifter fail to pay for the merchandise
6.) They must approach the shoplifter outside of the last point of sale

Secondly, I see no reason why I should consent to this. Often the receipt check is a huge hassle and I have to find my receipt that is somewhere in my purse. Sometimes there are even receipt check lines exiting the store. Why should I have to waste my time on poor consumer practice?

You might argue that this helps deter shoplifting, I disagree. Have you ever seen someone shoplift? Do you really think a wal-mart greeter is going to be able to stop them or that a receipt check is going to deter them? I think instead of basically accusing everyone of shoplifting as they exit, they should look into hiring more employees (or more competent employees ) and train them on what to look for. If anyone can show me any statistics on receipt checks actually detering shoplifting, then I will gladly change my mind. Target and other places seem to be doing just fine without them.

Now, onto my documentation... (hopefully I'll start recording this soon).

12/23/2008 7:20 PM Wal-mart
Took Justin to the Wal-mart on Parmer lane and IH-35 to get some christmas shopping done. Justin attempted to obtain a video camera. Of course, the video camera was behind lock and key. We waited 10-15 minutes for someone to help us. Got the video camera and purchased it on the spot in the photo department. It was placed in a bag. We continued shopping. I bought John a few small gifts and proceded to checkout. I paid for the merchandise, and went towards the front door. The door alarm goes off and a intimidating woman comes rushing to block my exit and states "let me see your receipt". I say "no thank you" and attempt to steer the cart around her. She grabs the cart and says in a louder voice "Do you have your receipt?!?!?!!!". I state "Yes. Now I have to be going. Would you let go of the cart?" This time she yells "NO! SHOW ME YOUR RECEIPT!!!" I then grab my bags out of the cart and start heading towards the door. She's freaking out and yelling at me as I'm grabbing my items and other (security?) people come running up. I state "I purchased my items and now I have to be going now." Then I proceed out the doors to my vehicle.

Thoughts: Well, that lady was hardcore and definitely not in the right. She harrassed me, and may have falsely imprisoned me by grabbing my cart. Although, I still need to do some research on wether or not grabbing the cart is false imprisonment, since it is technically their property. I wish I knew a lawyer or paralegal that I could confer with.

12/23/2008 8:00 PM Wal-mart
Took Justin to the other wal-mart closer to our house (Ben White and IH-35) to get a christmas gift that they were out of stock at the Palmer wal-mart. We went in, didn't grab a cart since it was one item, and went to purchase the item. (it was a vaccuum cleaner.. but shhh don't tell. It's my christmas present.) We went to the checkout near the door and purchased the item. I put the receipt in my pocket and headed towards the door. The door man came towards me and asked for a receipt. I said "No thanks, I'm good" as I kept walking. He then looked a little confused and started speaking much louder "Hey! Stop! Hey you!! Stop!!!" I kept walking and he yelled "SHOPLIFTER!!!" I was already out the door by this time, and turned around. I came back inside and asked if he had just refered to me as a shoplifter. He stated that he did not and was trying really hard not to talk to me. I stated that I had other people who witnessed such and in doing so he was defamating my character. I then asked him for his name which he gave, and the name of his manager, which he didn't know. I then left because I didn't want to deal with complaining about someone before christmas.

Thoughts: Wow, they really should train these people on what they can and cannot do. Defamation of character anyone? Ugh. I really really need to record these.


More adventures coming soon!!!


All might be free if they valued freedom, and defended it as they should.
-Samuel Adams

blah

love /lʌv/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[luhv] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation noun, verb, loved, lov·ing. –noun

1.	a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

Love... I looked up the definition, and I'm not so sure have someone that feels this way about me anymore. Yet, I don't know when it all changed. I know it's been this way for a while. But, I can't pinpoint the exact time that it actually stopped being "love". Sure John cares, he just seems so cold towards me lately. I feel like the only time he's affectionate towards me is when he's asleep and I crawl into bed and he tries to sleep molest me. Sure I don't mind.... I just want more. I want things to be the way they used to be. I want the affection back. I want hand holding and making out. Not just air kisses and quick pecks. I know we're both busy... but we're not that fucking busy. It just seems like the only reason he's with me is because he's comfortable with me. I don't want things to be that way. I tried to bring up the fact that he never holds my hand or really kisses me anymore, and he joked around and said that he never did that stuff. It hurt. I don't know what to do. I don't want things to be this way forever. But, I just don't want to walk away knowing that we both still care about each other. Although, just not in the way that I want him to care about me. I'm so hurt. I'm so confused. I'm just so lost. I really don't know what to do.

life goes on

That's about it. Life goes on. I may not be happy at times... but it could be worse. Now I just need to figure out what I want to do with my life. All I know is I want to make a shit load of money and get the fuck out of Texas. I guess I also wouldn't mind having a few good friends too.

Oh fine, I'll update a little more...

So, if you couldn't tell from my last post, John is officially out of the Air Force. Those fuckers. He got discharged for giving alcohol to a 20 year old. You think they would have better things to do with their time. Ugh. Including discharging him, we didn't get the 6 months of Tricare, we never got reimbursed for John going home, they gave him a general, under honorable conditions (not full honorable) discharge, and he can't re-enlist in any branch. We just recently found out about the severity of his re-enlistment code. They told him when he got out that he'd be able to re-enlist anywhere but in the AF. Well apparently not. They fucked him good. I've been trying to get him to go get his discharge reviewed and hopefully he can get a full honorable discharge and a better re-enlistment code, but, he never does.
He has a decent job now, but it's definitely not as much as the military and we're really poor. It sucks, and John doesn't seem to understand how much it sucks. I mean, we can pay the basic bills... but we literally have no money left over and lots of debt. The shitty thing is that our bills aren't even that much.
I've actually been considering joining the Navy. John doesn't understand how much I want June to have a better future from the get go. I don't want her to grow up and always see us struggling. My parents were like that, and I know how hard it was for them. I don't want that and I don't want June in daycare. So, one of us has to stay home. The military has so many benefits. The only thing that would really hurt is that I wouldn't always get to be there for June anymore. I'd miss so many important moments in her life. I don't want that to happen, I really don't want that to happen. But, it's really for the greater good. That and I really don't want her on formula... but I think I'd rather put her on formula then let her have a sub-par life. I can give her so much more, there are just a few really sucky sacrifices.
I can't talk about this anymore, it hurts too much to think about.

I suck at updating

It's been awhile. Life is decent, although, we seem to be getting poorer and poorer. Eesh, at least one good thing about the military was that we always had a little extra in the bank account.

...

Life has sucked, I'd write more but there's nothing else really to say that describes it better than that.
I don't think John will ever understand what it what it was like for me when he was gone.

blah

So, I haven't written in a while... not really much to write about. It seems like John is going to be in Missouri longer than expected. Grr, nothing new there. Fuckers. I don't think he'll ever be home. But, at the current moment I am in Missouri as well. That was a long ass drive. I'll be here until after xmas... and then, maybe, I'll write more. Meh.

Almost there

John finally comes home for good in 5½ days. Wow, that's so amazing. I've been through so much without him... and he finally gets to come home after being gone 6½ months. I've put up with him being gone for 6½ months! I am sooooooo strong. I'm so damn excited.

♥

...

I swear to god I'm going to have a fucking breakdown one day soon. I don't know how much longer that I can handle this. I don't think I'm strong enough... I have this gorgeous little girl and she's already been without her dad for the first two weeks of her life. I know she woln't remember, but I remember damnit! She's already gotten so much bigger and already developed so much and John still woln't be back for another 11 days. I know, it's not long... but I keep thinking about what would happen if John gets deployed. What am I going to do then? I love him so fucking much and I can't fucking take this. I don't want to be a single parent. I don't know if I'm strong enough to handle this again. I fucking hate the military, I wish that he'd never joined and I wish that John didn't feel like it was the only thing he could do to provide for us. I know we could have found some other way to make this work damnit. I can't fucking take this for another five and a half years if he has to leave again.

I greatly admire anyone and everyone that has to go through deployments.

Ugh

Today is a good day to wallow in self pity. I miss John so fucking much. Gah, this sucks more than anything. This wait is fucking killing me. There's still 18 goddamn days left. That's forever.

Maybe I'll go to Missouri around the 13th or the 14th and just drive back down with him. That would cut down the wait to 14 days. At least that's a little better.

How exhilarating

So, I was going to the Dell children's hospital today to have June's newborn screening test done... and damn is that place HUGE and CROWDED. I'd never been, so I didn't know. Well, I was looking for parking everywhere, and there was not a single spot. Finally, I see someone walking out to their car, and I follow them. Well, they walk all the way down to the last row... but, it doesn't matter, it's a spot. Well, I'm waiting with my turn signal on and this woman in a truck comes up and positions their truck right behind the person and steals my fucking spot. WHAT THE HELL?!?! They definitely saw me. So, I roll down my window and cussed this bitch out to high heaven. Well, I'm fucking pissed and driving around looking for another spot and can't find one forever. Finally I find a spot and its far far far away, further than the other spot... and I'm still so pissed, and I don't want to walk that far after having had a c-section only a week ago... so I decide to just blow it off and go tomorrow. Well, I start to leave... and I pass by the spot the cunt had stolen. So, I get out of my car... and I gratuitously key her car, I even wrote CUNT in huge letters all over. I don't think I've ever keyed anyone's car before, but she totally deserved it. I know... It was quite immature... but at the same time it was so exhilarating. Maybe that'll teach her. Fucking cunt.
Poor June, I'm such a horrible role model.

:cry:

Here's a pic of John and the kiddo... It's so sweet. :'(

Also, June sucked her thumb today for the first time and John wasn't here. :(

I'm so lonely, I can't wait until he gets back.

June is here :)

So, I went in to get induced on Wednesday at 7am. Well, I went in and they started me out on Pitocin.... everything was going great contractions wern't horrible, but I was dilating incredibly slowly. Finally a couple hours later, I was at 3cm and my doctor was able to break my water.
Well, contractions went from nothing really to being every 2 minutes and lasting for about 50 seconds. Well, I tried to stick up with that as long as possible... and I got checked about an hour later, and had still only dilated another half a centimeter.
That's when I opted for an epidural.... It was awesome!! I just couldn't handle the incredibly strong contractions and not dialating fast enough. Well, finally around 9pm... (14 hours later) I was still only at 9cm and this was with contractions coming every 30 seconds or so. The kiddo kept changing positions, and they kept putting her back in position, but it wasn't happening. Finally, they realized that she probably wasn't going to fit. So I had to have a c-section. Not exactly what I had in mind... but I was just happy to getting something productive done.

So, she was born November 21st at 9:48pm, was 7lbs and 1oz, and was 21 inches.

I am so incredibly in love, she's adorable... and when John got here he was wiping away a few tears. It was so cute.

I suck at thinking of titles.

I've been doing a lot of soul searching over the past couple of days... and I've realized that it's really not that big of a tragedy that Ashley and I have had a falling out. It was bound to come sooner or later anyway. Although, it sucks... I really need to find some better friends anyway. I've grown up a lot in the past year, and it seems that many of my old friends haven't. It's a sad reality, and I've been putting it off for too long.

On another note, I'm going to get induced in about 2 hours... I'm nervous and I can't sleep. I really wish John could be here. :( That's all I want. Although, at least he's going to be here in a day. I can't wait. Its taking forever.

Today

I'm okay.

A rant

How fucking dare you put all this shit on me? I know that this friendship was a two way street, and I'm sorry that you've been depressed. But jesus christ, I've always been there for you... asking you how you're doing. It's not my fucking fault that you don't talk to me anymore.

Do you even realize what the last 6-7 months of my life have been like? I made the biggest commitment of my life, and haven't even been able to spend more than a month's time with my husband. Do you know how much that fucking sucks? How much I hate myself and blame myself for him leaving? Sometimes I even hate the kiddo for that, and that makes me feel like a horrible person.
Do you know what it's like going to your doctors appointments and sonograms all by yourself? Or having to find out the gender of your child all by yourself and then waiting for the phone call so that you can actually tell your husband... not knowing when it's going to be. Hell, not knowing when any phone calls are going to be... and wanting to fucking die when I realized that I missed a phone call.
Do you know what it's like feeling those first little kicks, and being so freaking excited... and having no one to share it with? Or going to those damn childbirth classes all by myself and seeing all the cute couples... wishing that I had someone there for me. Everytime I see one of those guys at the classes feeling the chicks tummy to feel the little kicks, I die a little bit inside. I fucking hate those couples for having something that I was robbed of.
Do you know how fucking scared I am to be having a child? Do you know how much it hurts that John can't even be there for the birth? Did you know that I don't even want to fucking be induced? I'm only doing it so that I can assure that John gets to meet his daughter before he has to leave again for another month. Do you realize how fucking scared I am about being a parent AND being all alone for a month?
All I've wanted is SOMEONE to be there with me... and you never even came to my baby shower. It's not necessarily the baby shower that matters either, it's the effort. I let you know well in advance, more than a month.... Yet, you call me less than a week before, and ask when it was again.... then state that you can't get off work.
You last called me several months ago, and it was the last time that you showed an honest interest in my well being... and it turned out all you wanted a peace corps recommendation. Do you know how much that hurt?

So, why the fuck should I have told you that I was having my kid on Wednesday? What fucking right did you have to actually know? You haven't given a shit at all, yet you get offended that I didn't tell you. Well ya know what, you're right... it is a two way street... and you haven't done shit.

Baby update

Well, I talked to my doctor about induction today... It's not something that I really want to do, but I haven't progressed at all and I really want John to be able to meet the kiddo before he has to go back. =/ So, she agreed to induce me... so, that's good news. But, there's also some bad news. The only day that I can get induced is on Wednesday... and John woln't be back until Thursday. :( Because no one wants to work during the long holiday weekend. But, at least John will for sure be meeting the kiddo, instead of this uncertainty.

On a side note... I'm pretty sure I just lost my mucous plug about 30 minutes ago... ewww! What the hell is that supposed to mean? Grr... well I suppose I could always have the kiddo before Wednesday....?

countdown

10 more days until John can come home for the holidays.

yay

John's doing better at communicating with me. That's a major plus... maybe I knocked some sense into that boy. :)

So, I just realized today that I'm gonna be a mom in two weeks or so. Wow, that's so overwhelming. I'm scared. I wish John could be here earlier. But, at least he'll be here eventually.

:(

I've never felt so alone. It hurts.

Untitled

I'm hurt and I don't know what to do about it. John hasn't called in 4 days and he just seems to keep getting more and more distant over the months. You would think that he would at least call every day or every other day... especially when I'm due to have our kid in two and a half weeks. He never calls, It seems I'm always the one to guilt him into calling me. I know that he's not that busy damnit... he can take 5 minutes out of his day to call me. Especially when I need some vital info from him and he knows it... I need all his info so I can have red cross call him if I have the kiddo earlier than expected...
Apparently it's easier for him to shut me out... no matter how much it hurts me.

Damnit

So, haven't updated in a while... I haven't been doing much really, just been kinda depressed. When John's gonna finally be home keeps getting further and further away. :( But, his official graduation date is now December 19th. But thankfully he'll be able to come home for thanksgiving. I just hope he can be here for the kiddo to be born. Although, sometimes I just want this kiddo out now! But, I don't think I can do it without John, I at least need him here for that.

Anyway, I don't really have much to say. I just want my hubby back. :(