Ugh

Today is a good day to wallow in self pity. I miss John so fucking much. Gah, this sucks more than anything. This wait is fucking killing me. There's still 18 goddamn days left. That's forever.

Maybe I'll go to Missouri around the 13th or the 14th and just drive back down with him. That would cut down the wait to 14 days. At least that's a little better.

How exhilarating

So, I was going to the Dell children's hospital today to have June's newborn screening test done... and damn is that place HUGE and CROWDED. I'd never been, so I didn't know. Well, I was looking for parking everywhere, and there was not a single spot. Finally, I see someone walking out to their car, and I follow them. Well, they walk all the way down to the last row... but, it doesn't matter, it's a spot. Well, I'm waiting with my turn signal on and this woman in a truck comes up and positions their truck right behind the person and steals my fucking spot. WHAT THE HELL?!?! They definitely saw me. So, I roll down my window and cussed this bitch out to high heaven. Well, I'm fucking pissed and driving around looking for another spot and can't find one forever. Finally I find a spot and its far far far away, further than the other spot... and I'm still so pissed, and I don't want to walk that far after having had a c-section only a week ago... so I decide to just blow it off and go tomorrow. Well, I start to leave... and I pass by the spot the cunt had stolen. So, I get out of my car... and I gratuitously key her car, I even wrote CUNT in huge letters all over. I don't think I've ever keyed anyone's car before, but she totally deserved it. I know... It was quite immature... but at the same time it was so exhilarating. Maybe that'll teach her. Fucking cunt.
Poor June, I'm such a horrible role model.

:cry:

Here's a pic of John and the kiddo... It's so sweet. :'(

Also, June sucked her thumb today for the first time and John wasn't here. :(

I'm so lonely, I can't wait until he gets back.

June is here :)

So, I went in to get induced on Wednesday at 7am. Well, I went in and they started me out on Pitocin.... everything was going great contractions wern't horrible, but I was dilating incredibly slowly. Finally a couple hours later, I was at 3cm and my doctor was able to break my water.
Well, contractions went from nothing really to being every 2 minutes and lasting for about 50 seconds. Well, I tried to stick up with that as long as possible... and I got checked about an hour later, and had still only dilated another half a centimeter.
That's when I opted for an epidural.... It was awesome!! I just couldn't handle the incredibly strong contractions and not dialating fast enough. Well, finally around 9pm... (14 hours later) I was still only at 9cm and this was with contractions coming every 30 seconds or so. The kiddo kept changing positions, and they kept putting her back in position, but it wasn't happening. Finally, they realized that she probably wasn't going to fit. So I had to have a c-section. Not exactly what I had in mind... but I was just happy to getting something productive done.

So, she was born November 21st at 9:48pm, was 7lbs and 1oz, and was 21 inches.

I am so incredibly in love, she's adorable... and when John got here he was wiping away a few tears. It was so cute.

I suck at thinking of titles.

I've been doing a lot of soul searching over the past couple of days... and I've realized that it's really not that big of a tragedy that Ashley and I have had a falling out. It was bound to come sooner or later anyway. Although, it sucks... I really need to find some better friends anyway. I've grown up a lot in the past year, and it seems that many of my old friends haven't. It's a sad reality, and I've been putting it off for too long.

On another note, I'm going to get induced in about 2 hours... I'm nervous and I can't sleep. I really wish John could be here. :( That's all I want. Although, at least he's going to be here in a day. I can't wait. Its taking forever.

Today

I'm okay.

A rant

How fucking dare you put all this shit on me? I know that this friendship was a two way street, and I'm sorry that you've been depressed. But jesus christ, I've always been there for you... asking you how you're doing. It's not my fucking fault that you don't talk to me anymore.

Do you even realize what the last 6-7 months of my life have been like? I made the biggest commitment of my life, and haven't even been able to spend more than a month's time with my husband. Do you know how much that fucking sucks? How much I hate myself and blame myself for him leaving? Sometimes I even hate the kiddo for that, and that makes me feel like a horrible person.
Do you know what it's like going to your doctors appointments and sonograms all by yourself? Or having to find out the gender of your child all by yourself and then waiting for the phone call so that you can actually tell your husband... not knowing when it's going to be. Hell, not knowing when any phone calls are going to be... and wanting to fucking die when I realized that I missed a phone call.
Do you know what it's like feeling those first little kicks, and being so freaking excited... and having no one to share it with? Or going to those damn childbirth classes all by myself and seeing all the cute couples... wishing that I had someone there for me. Everytime I see one of those guys at the classes feeling the chicks tummy to feel the little kicks, I die a little bit inside. I fucking hate those couples for having something that I was robbed of.
Do you know how fucking scared I am to be having a child? Do you know how much it hurts that John can't even be there for the birth? Did you know that I don't even want to fucking be induced? I'm only doing it so that I can assure that John gets to meet his daughter before he has to leave again for another month. Do you realize how fucking scared I am about being a parent AND being all alone for a month?
All I've wanted is SOMEONE to be there with me... and you never even came to my baby shower. It's not necessarily the baby shower that matters either, it's the effort. I let you know well in advance, more than a month.... Yet, you call me less than a week before, and ask when it was again.... then state that you can't get off work.
You last called me several months ago, and it was the last time that you showed an honest interest in my well being... and it turned out all you wanted a peace corps recommendation. Do you know how much that hurt?

So, why the fuck should I have told you that I was having my kid on Wednesday? What fucking right did you have to actually know? You haven't given a shit at all, yet you get offended that I didn't tell you. Well ya know what, you're right... it is a two way street... and you haven't done shit.

Baby update

Well, I talked to my doctor about induction today... It's not something that I really want to do, but I haven't progressed at all and I really want John to be able to meet the kiddo before he has to go back. =/ So, she agreed to induce me... so, that's good news. But, there's also some bad news. The only day that I can get induced is on Wednesday... and John woln't be back until Thursday. :( Because no one wants to work during the long holiday weekend. But, at least John will for sure be meeting the kiddo, instead of this uncertainty.

On a side note... I'm pretty sure I just lost my mucous plug about 30 minutes ago... ewww! What the hell is that supposed to mean? Grr... well I suppose I could always have the kiddo before Wednesday....?

countdown

10 more days until John can come home for the holidays.

yay

John's doing better at communicating with me. That's a major plus... maybe I knocked some sense into that boy. :)

So, I just realized today that I'm gonna be a mom in two weeks or so. Wow, that's so overwhelming. I'm scared. I wish John could be here earlier. But, at least he'll be here eventually.

:(

I've never felt so alone. It hurts.

Untitled

I'm hurt and I don't know what to do about it. John hasn't called in 4 days and he just seems to keep getting more and more distant over the months. You would think that he would at least call every day or every other day... especially when I'm due to have our kid in two and a half weeks. He never calls, It seems I'm always the one to guilt him into calling me. I know that he's not that busy damnit... he can take 5 minutes out of his day to call me. Especially when I need some vital info from him and he knows it... I need all his info so I can have red cross call him if I have the kiddo earlier than expected...
Apparently it's easier for him to shut me out... no matter how much it hurts me.

Damnit

So, haven't updated in a while... I haven't been doing much really, just been kinda depressed. When John's gonna finally be home keeps getting further and further away. :( But, his official graduation date is now December 19th. But thankfully he'll be able to come home for thanksgiving. I just hope he can be here for the kiddo to be born. Although, sometimes I just want this kiddo out now! But, I don't think I can do it without John, I at least need him here for that.

Anyway, I don't really have much to say. I just want my hubby back. :(