blah

So, I haven't written in a while... not really much to write about. It seems like John is going to be in Missouri longer than expected. Grr, nothing new there. Fuckers. I don't think he'll ever be home. But, at the current moment I am in Missouri as well. That was a long ass drive. I'll be here until after xmas... and then, maybe, I'll write more. Meh.

Almost there

John finally comes home for good in 5½ days. Wow, that's so amazing. I've been through so much without him... and he finally gets to come home after being gone 6½ months. I've put up with him being gone for 6½ months! I am sooooooo strong. I'm so damn excited.

♥

...

I swear to god I'm going to have a fucking breakdown one day soon. I don't know how much longer that I can handle this. I don't think I'm strong enough... I have this gorgeous little girl and she's already been without her dad for the first two weeks of her life. I know she woln't remember, but I remember damnit! She's already gotten so much bigger and already developed so much and John still woln't be back for another 11 days. I know, it's not long... but I keep thinking about what would happen if John gets deployed. What am I going to do then? I love him so fucking much and I can't fucking take this. I don't want to be a single parent. I don't know if I'm strong enough to handle this again. I fucking hate the military, I wish that he'd never joined and I wish that John didn't feel like it was the only thing he could do to provide for us. I know we could have found some other way to make this work damnit. I can't fucking take this for another five and a half years if he has to leave again.

I greatly admire anyone and everyone that has to go through deployments.

Ugh

Today is a good day to wallow in self pity. I miss John so fucking much. Gah, this sucks more than anything. This wait is fucking killing me. There's still 18 goddamn days left. That's forever.

Maybe I'll go to Missouri around the 13th or the 14th and just drive back down with him. That would cut down the wait to 14 days. At least that's a little better.

How exhilarating

So, I was going to the Dell children's hospital today to have June's newborn screening test done... and damn is that place HUGE and CROWDED. I'd never been, so I didn't know. Well, I was looking for parking everywhere, and there was not a single spot. Finally, I see someone walking out to their car, and I follow them. Well, they walk all the way down to the last row... but, it doesn't matter, it's a spot. Well, I'm waiting with my turn signal on and this woman in a truck comes up and positions their truck right behind the person and steals my fucking spot. WHAT THE HELL?!?! They definitely saw me. So, I roll down my window and cussed this bitch out to high heaven. Well, I'm fucking pissed and driving around looking for another spot and can't find one forever. Finally I find a spot and its far far far away, further than the other spot... and I'm still so pissed, and I don't want to walk that far after having had a c-section only a week ago... so I decide to just blow it off and go tomorrow. Well, I start to leave... and I pass by the spot the cunt had stolen. So, I get out of my car... and I gratuitously key her car, I even wrote CUNT in huge letters all over. I don't think I've ever keyed anyone's car before, but she totally deserved it. I know... It was quite immature... but at the same time it was so exhilarating. Maybe that'll teach her. Fucking cunt.
Poor June, I'm such a horrible role model.

:cry:

Here's a pic of John and the kiddo... It's so sweet. :'(

Also, June sucked her thumb today for the first time and John wasn't here. :(

I'm so lonely, I can't wait until he gets back.

June is here :)

So, I went in to get induced on Wednesday at 7am. Well, I went in and they started me out on Pitocin.... everything was going great contractions wern't horrible, but I was dilating incredibly slowly. Finally a couple hours later, I was at 3cm and my doctor was able to break my water.
Well, contractions went from nothing really to being every 2 minutes and lasting for about 50 seconds. Well, I tried to stick up with that as long as possible... and I got checked about an hour later, and had still only dilated another half a centimeter.
That's when I opted for an epidural.... It was awesome!! I just couldn't handle the incredibly strong contractions and not dialating fast enough. Well, finally around 9pm... (14 hours later) I was still only at 9cm and this was with contractions coming every 30 seconds or so. The kiddo kept changing positions, and they kept putting her back in position, but it wasn't happening. Finally, they realized that she probably wasn't going to fit. So I had to have a c-section. Not exactly what I had in mind... but I was just happy to getting something productive done.

So, she was born November 21st at 9:48pm, was 7lbs and 1oz, and was 21 inches.

I am so incredibly in love, she's adorable... and when John got here he was wiping away a few tears. It was so cute.

I suck at thinking of titles.

I've been doing a lot of soul searching over the past couple of days... and I've realized that it's really not that big of a tragedy that Ashley and I have had a falling out. It was bound to come sooner or later anyway. Although, it sucks... I really need to find some better friends anyway. I've grown up a lot in the past year, and it seems that many of my old friends haven't. It's a sad reality, and I've been putting it off for too long.

On another note, I'm going to get induced in about 2 hours... I'm nervous and I can't sleep. I really wish John could be here. :( That's all I want. Although, at least he's going to be here in a day. I can't wait. Its taking forever.

Today

I'm okay.

A rant

How fucking dare you put all this shit on me? I know that this friendship was a two way street, and I'm sorry that you've been depressed. But jesus christ, I've always been there for you... asking you how you're doing. It's not my fucking fault that you don't talk to me anymore.

Do you even realize what the last 6-7 months of my life have been like? I made the biggest commitment of my life, and haven't even been able to spend more than a month's time with my husband. Do you know how much that fucking sucks? How much I hate myself and blame myself for him leaving? Sometimes I even hate the kiddo for that, and that makes me feel like a horrible person.
Do you know what it's like going to your doctors appointments and sonograms all by yourself? Or having to find out the gender of your child all by yourself and then waiting for the phone call so that you can actually tell your husband... not knowing when it's going to be. Hell, not knowing when any phone calls are going to be... and wanting to fucking die when I realized that I missed a phone call.
Do you know what it's like feeling those first little kicks, and being so freaking excited... and having no one to share it with? Or going to those damn childbirth classes all by myself and seeing all the cute couples... wishing that I had someone there for me. Everytime I see one of those guys at the classes feeling the chicks tummy to feel the little kicks, I die a little bit inside. I fucking hate those couples for having something that I was robbed of.
Do you know how fucking scared I am to be having a child? Do you know how much it hurts that John can't even be there for the birth? Did you know that I don't even want to fucking be induced? I'm only doing it so that I can assure that John gets to meet his daughter before he has to leave again for another month. Do you realize how fucking scared I am about being a parent AND being all alone for a month?
All I've wanted is SOMEONE to be there with me... and you never even came to my baby shower. It's not necessarily the baby shower that matters either, it's the effort. I let you know well in advance, more than a month.... Yet, you call me less than a week before, and ask when it was again.... then state that you can't get off work.
You last called me several months ago, and it was the last time that you showed an honest interest in my well being... and it turned out all you wanted a peace corps recommendation. Do you know how much that hurt?

So, why the fuck should I have told you that I was having my kid on Wednesday? What fucking right did you have to actually know? You haven't given a shit at all, yet you get offended that I didn't tell you. Well ya know what, you're right... it is a two way street... and you haven't done shit.

Baby update

Well, I talked to my doctor about induction today... It's not something that I really want to do, but I haven't progressed at all and I really want John to be able to meet the kiddo before he has to go back. =/ So, she agreed to induce me... so, that's good news. But, there's also some bad news. The only day that I can get induced is on Wednesday... and John woln't be back until Thursday. :( Because no one wants to work during the long holiday weekend. But, at least John will for sure be meeting the kiddo, instead of this uncertainty.

On a side note... I'm pretty sure I just lost my mucous plug about 30 minutes ago... ewww! What the hell is that supposed to mean? Grr... well I suppose I could always have the kiddo before Wednesday....?

countdown

10 more days until John can come home for the holidays.

yay

John's doing better at communicating with me. That's a major plus... maybe I knocked some sense into that boy. :)

So, I just realized today that I'm gonna be a mom in two weeks or so. Wow, that's so overwhelming. I'm scared. I wish John could be here earlier. But, at least he'll be here eventually.

:(

I've never felt so alone. It hurts.

Untitled

I'm hurt and I don't know what to do about it. John hasn't called in 4 days and he just seems to keep getting more and more distant over the months. You would think that he would at least call every day or every other day... especially when I'm due to have our kid in two and a half weeks. He never calls, It seems I'm always the one to guilt him into calling me. I know that he's not that busy damnit... he can take 5 minutes out of his day to call me. Especially when I need some vital info from him and he knows it... I need all his info so I can have red cross call him if I have the kiddo earlier than expected...
Apparently it's easier for him to shut me out... no matter how much it hurts me.

Damnit

So, haven't updated in a while... I haven't been doing much really, just been kinda depressed. When John's gonna finally be home keeps getting further and further away. :( But, his official graduation date is now December 19th. But thankfully he'll be able to come home for thanksgiving. I just hope he can be here for the kiddo to be born. Although, sometimes I just want this kiddo out now! But, I don't think I can do it without John, I at least need him here for that.

Anyway, I don't really have much to say. I just want my hubby back. :(

ugh

It seems everything in my life is just falling apart. I don't even really have any decent friends around here anymore... sure I have my aquaintances and I have my sister in law... But they aren't the people I can just TALK to. It's rather frustrating. I think my closest friend around here is Chucky... and he's always so busy. But he works 40+ hours a week AND goes to school. I know how hard it can be doing so much. I don't even have Ashley anymore... we've been slowly drifting apart and now it seems she only calls me when she wants something (like a peace corps reccomendation). It makes me sad.

To make things worse, John never calls me. I'm always the one calling him... which I know that he's having a hard time in school... but I need some sort of connection. I'm going crazy, especially with the horrible news we just got. He's getting held back in his classes for two weeks. It's fucking horrible. I'd hoped this wouldn't happen, since he'd be graduating a week before the baby was due. Now he woln't even be here in time for the kiddo to be born. I'm so fucking upset, I need him here so bad and I don't think I can do this all without him... but I'm trying to stay positive for John. I don't want to let him know how much I absloutely hate the fucking Air Force and how I wished that he wouldn't have joined. I know it'll get better eventually... but WHEN?!?!?!?!? I've been waiting so fucking long and this shit seems like it will never be over. I just want him back and to be here for some part of my pregnancy. I want him to be able to feel the kiddo move all the time and to be able to read to the kiddo and to just have someone here with me. FUCK I hate the military. I also don't want to fucking move to Nevada. What the hell? Anywhere but the fucking desert would be okay. But at this point, I don't give a fuck. I just want to be with John.

Everything sucks.

Oi

I miss John so much. :(

Here I come!!!

Headed out to Mississippi right now!!! Woo Hoo!!! I just hope I don't get all caught up in this tropical storm. If so, it's worth it anyway... I'd drive through anything just to see John for a split second. I can't wait! In less than 11 hours I will be eating lunch with John! I know, not too glamorous sounding... but it doesn't matter what we do, as long as I can be with him.

Okay!!! I'm leaving!!!

Well, I guess I can't leave you in suspense forever...

So, I suppose since I can't sleep I should elaborate on who I am and everything. Well, not a life story, just everything leading up to who I am currently.

First off, my name is Crystal and I am 22 years old, married, and pregnant. I know... I sound so grown up already... But, if you would have know me a year ago, this was the furthest thing from my mind. Well, everything but the married part. John (my wonderful husband) and I had been discussing it, but for sometime in the distant future.

I met John off in earlyish 2005 and I liked him immediately. But I was still in and out of an abusive relationship and I didn't want to get involved with someone else to make things even more complicated... That and John, no matter how awesome he was, was still a total bum. He had no car, no job, drank too much, and still lived at home. But, eventually we ended up somewhat dating and things got worse for me emotionally... So I ended up moving to Utah with a friend to get away from everything for a while and John and I had a huge falling out. I do a good job at hurting people.

Well, I was in Utah for 5 months and it was great. I absolutely loved it there, and if I ever have a chance I would move back in a heartbeat. But, I eventually moved back to Texas and started getting back in contact with people again. John heard I was back and eventually got in contact with me again... and we became friends once again. He was doing better for himself, so that was a major plus. I was doing about the same... still somewhat involved in the same abusive relationship. I started hanging out with John more and more and I realized how much I still liked him. He eventually convinced me to get away from the abusive asshole for good and come live with him and some friends of his. Well, that was the best summer ever. I realized what a kind, caring, compassionate person he was... and we fell in love. We even started talking about getting married sometime in the distant future, when we were both a little more financially secure.

We eventually ended up getting our own place together in November of 2006. It was a struggle... and it seemed that John could never really hold down a job... but, it was mostly due to flaky employers. Sometimes it seemed as if I was the one doing all the work while John just sat at home... In March, we found out that I was pregnant. It was scary, not knowing what to do and not having heath care or not having any money. We discussed all the options and I decided that adoption would be best. We didn't have the money or means to support a child. Well, John and I sort of discussed him joining the military... but I didn't think anything would ever come of it. But, he decided that he wanted to do better for himself, me, and the kiddo. So he decided to join the Air Force.

I think that was the worst time for me, I was uber stressed out about him trying to get in and not being able to have a job in the meantime... So I was working as much as possible, pregnant, and stressed out not knowing whether or not he was going to get in and when he might leave. He ended up getting in and we decided to get married sooner rather than later because the benefits were awesome and I could have health care! So, we got married on April 24th, 2007. It was the best Tuesday of my life. :) All of March he was trying to quick ship... So I would worry all week, every week if that was going to be the last weekend I saw my husband for a while. He would have to go spend the night in San Antonio every Tuesday to see if he could get a job on Wednesday. Every Tuesday I went to bed by myself wondering if the night before was the last time that I would be able to cuddle with my husband for months.

Well, he ended up leaving on June 5th, but we knew it was coming a couple days before hand because he had been offered an amazing job. That was the worst Tuesday of my life... after doing all that waiting and having him come back every time... and to now finally be seeing him leave and not knowing when I would be able to talk to him again, let alone hold him again. Ugh, it sucks.

I got my first call a couple days later, and it was hard. It was just a statement that they needed to say to you... and then they had to go. It went something along the lines of "I'm fine. I may not be able to call you for a while, don't try to contact me unless it's an emergency. My address is ____". He was all choked up on the phone and he got to tell me that he loved me and that he missed me. It was horrible, I cried for days. Much to my surprise, I got a call a week or so later. It was short, but it was amazing to just be able to talk to him. I was able to tell him the gender of the baby and how much I missed him. I got a call from him almost every week, and about two letters a week. It was awesome... but it was still so hard being without him.

He graduated BMT July 20th. Thankfully, I was able to come see him and spend the weekend with him. Damn did he look good in those dress blues! Unfortunately the weekend was nowhere near enough time... but he got shipped off to Mississippi anyway. He's still in Mississippi at the moment and will be until mid-November. But, thankfully he should be back before the kiddo is due (Nov. 22nd).

I've been up to Mississippi once since he's been up there... and it was amazing. I'm hopefully going back this coming weekend. If so, this will be the 6th and 7th day I will have spent with my husband since June. I can't wait!

So, this is my life at the current moment... I'm a military spouse and I couldn't be happier. I am so proud of John and we are both so strong for dealing with all of this. I just can't wait until November!

Welcome to my life!

Time for a fresh start

Well, a new blog site... yipee!

I suppose this means that I should write about myself and who I am... nah.

Maybe later.