Tuesday, September 4, 2012

I'm not mad. He's not mad. Everything is okay on that front. I'm just empty. Really empty. He said that he's reconsidered and he thinks the whole family thing isn't for him. Oh it hurts. It really, really hurts. Life isn't always what you think it ought to be.

Friday, August 31, 2012

let it be

"Isn't a love story, after all, just a story about love? Must the story end happily for the love to have been real? There are many kinds of love, after all. Love that cannot harm and love that never abandons and love that cannot imagine betrayal. And then there is love that corrupts, and love that destroys, and love that works in the blood like poison. And they are not so far apart as you might think."

I told him that I was moving to Portland before we started dating. Now he tells me that he has no interest in moving with me. I'm so in love with him. I sacrifice so much for him. I want the same from him. This hurts. So bad. I don't know what to do to make it feel better. We live together for christ sake. This is so unfair to me. I don't even know the point in being together anymore.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012


I know I'm not here that often.I've never been much of a journal-er but it's nice to just get it out sometimes. I don't even know how to go into the complexities of my mind. Hopefully I can make something of this jumbled up mess when I look back in a year or so. I'm so happy. I really am. I am in love. I haven't ever felt like this in a relationship. We've been dating for 6 months now and living together for the past 4 of those months. I know, it's crazy. He is living with me and my girls. Who does that so soon? We have nothing in common. Absolutely nothing... but damn, we are so great for each other. We don't argue; we have logical, thoughtful conversations. It's amazing. He's so patient. And so kind. We're really compatible. I'm so, so in love.

But, even with how overwhelmingly in love I am, I'm angry. There's a couple factors in this, but it mostly boils down to how angry I am at my ex-husband. I don't understand how he can just ignore the fact that he has two beautiful girls that he never sees or talks to. The last time he saw or talked to them was Father's Day. That was TWO months ago. Shit, the only reason he came over on Father's Day was because I guilted him into it. I had June call him that morning after I had been unsuccessful contacting him in the days before. Anyway, he didn't answer. She left a message. Hours went by. Finally, at 2pm I sent him a text saying "Oh come on. You really don't want to see your kids on Father's Day?!? What the hell is wrong with you???? They love you and miss you." There wasn't a response until 6:30pm. He said "I just left work and I have to go home and shower. Is it cool if I come over before the girls go to bed?" Keep in mind, Father's Day was a Sunday and he had been previously bragging about having a job that gave him weekends off. Anyway, I just told him they were going to bed soon and that he should hurry up. He finally got there at 8:15pm. He stayed for about two hours keeping the kiddos up.

I'm really almost over the fact that he doesn't pay child support. I try not to think about him being 8.5K in the hole too much. I can live without his help. Really, I'm going to get a pretty decent promotion at work one day. It's just slow moving. In the meantime, Joel has a really great, well-paying job. Besides, we can afford things enough to pay out of pocket for full time college for me and that's what really matters. Really, life is good enough financially.

But I still don't get it. How can you be so selfish that you feign anger with me as the reason you don't see your kids? I have bent over backwards more times than I care to count to help him have a relationship with his kids... and all he does is walk all over all of us. He doesn't care about them. If he did, he would see them. He would call them. He would give up anything to be with them. Instead I have to force him or guilt him to see them. How can he not care that some other man is helping raise his kids?

Sometimes, just sometimes, I think I really miss him. I miss him as a friend. I miss him as a partner. I miss the freckles on the tan line on his bicep. I miss the way he held me. We knew everything about one another. All our secrets, all our fears. But, all they are are memories. I was always an eternal optimist, always looked for the silver lining. I can remember the good times so vividly, but the bad times not as much... and I sure as hell know they outweighed the good times by far. I don't reflect on how depressed I used to be much. I mean, it was depressing dammit. But, I'm so thankful I left him. I didn't want to be my mom. I didn't want my kids to grow up in that environment. It was toxic... and really, it's not like John was ever really that involved. I had to drag him out to interact with his kids. Ha, it's not like anything really changed.

But, here it is, it's all out in the open. I don't want to be angry any more. I have two wonderful, amazing, smart, beautiful girls. They'll realize what a piece of crap their dad is one day. Until then, I'll be a kickass parent, do good by them, and keep my head held high when dad shows up occasionally. Hopefully this vent will be something amazing to reflect on and grow on.

Funnily enough, I just realized I've been divorced for two years at the end of this month. It really doesn't seem like it's been that long. Ya know, I really think that I'm gonna be alright. :)

Monday, June 18, 2012

Thursday, April 19, 2012

So happy.

I love his hands. The way they count money, it's so articulate and precise. It really is beautiful. I love the way they hold me. It's electric. The way he touches me makes me melt. Oh gawd and when he smiles at me, my heart flutters. I am so, so happy. THIS is the guy I should have been dating my whole life. We are so perfect together. I'm so happy. He's the one, just wait.