So, I started playing rugby after John and I split up. My first day was actually on my birthday last year, July 26th. I originally started for a myriad of reasons... I wanted to feel more confident in myself, I wanted to play sports again, I wanted a healthy way to get out my aggression, I needed a new set of friends, and I desperately needed something that was just for me and made me feel good for me. Well, what better sport than Rugby? It's the only full contact womens sport and it's in my blood. I mean, my cousin was player of the year for England for christ sakes. I ought to be good at it.
Well, I failed to realize that I was much more overweight than when I was playing sports in high school, that I hadn't really been that athletic since high school and I had two children... the youngest having had been just 8 months prior. Anyway, I knew they didn't think I'd stick around, but I've kept with it and only kept improving.
I know that I wasn't the easiest person to deal with last season, I was actually a huge fucking asshole. Like totally huge. But then again, I was a single parent with no help, living in a fucking shelter, going through a divorce. Now that I think about it... maybe it wasn't the best time for me to have picked up playing rugby.
Anyway, I think my attitude was a little off-putting... so I didn't really feel like I fit in at all last season. But, they certainly did try... and I did too especially people told me to chill the fuck out.
But, this season, it seems like it's gotten worse. I feel like the comradery is there for everyone else but me. It's sad. I'm now a damn veteran and I don't feel like I fit in at all. I don't even feel like anyone is really putting forth the effort. I've tried to make amends but there was apparently no point.
Although, now I've made the mistake of falling in love with rugby. I love the way it makes me feel. It makes me happy. I'm playing flanker, which is what I wanted to play. I feel like I've gotten better at rugby skills. I also feel I've now gotten better at flanking. I actually tackled the scrumhalf right off of a scrum during my 6 minutes of playing time in OK this weekend. I've just got to the point where things are starting to feel better and things are starting to click... But then again, I can't live like this. I can't play on a team that I feel like such an outcast in. But I love it so much dammit. This is really tearing me up inside. I don't know what to do. I just really feel so uncomfortable around my team. That's not the way it should be. Why is this so hard?
I really think I'm going to stop playing. I wish I could move and just play rugby somewhere else. Maybe I'll just figure out how to go to school and have children and play rugby then just play for Texas State. Sigh. Why can't life be easier?