I went to Jiffy Lube today to get an oil change and one of the employees was super cute and a big flirt. He also had a sleeve (tattoo). I've never dated anyone with a tattoo before! Anyway, as I was leaving he was super flirty and opened my door and said, "Maybe I'll see you around sometime" Then I said, "Probably not, I don't really come to jiffy lube that much".. then left. DOH! What an idiot.
So, I was still kicking myself in the ass after I saw my patient and on the way back I stopped by Jiffy Lube to give the guy (Joseph) my number. Go me! He said, "Thank you!" Then I said "Haha, Thank you?" and he said "Uh, yeah, I'll totally call you."

So, we'll see how this goes. I'm rather proud that I've been single over 6 months now. :)

Although, I do still wish that John loved me. :'(

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Oh how I wish he loved me as much as I love(d) him.

I've been rather morose tonight. I read this craigslist ad that was a lady giving away baby clothes because her only baby died at two months of age. It was so bittersweet. I bawled so much. Then I watched My Sister's Keeper and I think I bawled throughout the whole movie. Then I listened to Colbie Callait. I really hate her new song, "I Never Told You" it just remind me of John. I don't get it. Why do I still love him? He doesn't love me... he just uses me and treats me like crap. He's selfish. He even puts himself before the kids. That's unacceptable. I deserve much, much better... so why, why, WHY do I still love him? It still hurts so bad to know that he didn't care about me enough to want to change... or even attempt to change. My heart is still broken. I kinda want to find someone else to date, just to get my mind off of things... but I know that's not healthy. I need to learn how to stand on my own two feet. I just want someone to treat me right, for the first time in my life.

On a more positive note, I applied for a job heading up the child passenger safety program of a hospital in Chicago. I've had 3 interviews. I'm 1 out of 3 people being considered. Those are pretty good odds right? This is seriously my dream job. I would sacrifice so much to make this work if I got it. I would be the best CPST ever. Also, I think it would be amazing for me to get out of Texas. Sure, I would miss my family and maybe some people here... although, I don't really have many friends... more like acquaintances. I would also miss rugby. I think Lach is a fantastic coach... but it's worth it. Besides, they have THREE women's rugby teams in Chicago. Isn't that fantastic? Oh, I really, really hope I get it.

Today

I got divorced today. John never turned in the answer paperwork, so I finally had him served... yet he still didn't do it. So, I went down to the courthouse and got a default judgement today. I'm tired of waiting for him. I have been trying to get together with him to talk about custody for three weeks... and after this last weekend, I am through arguing. I didn't technically have to give him any over night visits since the kids are under three, but I did. John gets the kids the first, third and fifth weekend of the month. No extended visits. After they're three, the standard visitation order goes into effect. I think that's pretty fair. I also didn't ask for back child support. Even though he hasn't helped me with crap. Although, he did pay the car payment this month, so apparently I need to pay him back for that. It's not happening though.
Anyway, after I got all the divorce stuff done today, I attempted to call John. He sent me a text message saying he was sleeping and that he would call me back later. I texted back saying that I was just letting him know that we were divorced, he owed child support starting tomorrow and it was his weekend with the kids this coming weekend. Needless to say, he shit a brick. He was not happy that I didn't let him know I was going to court. I told him that it wasn't my problem that he didn't take care of his legal obligations. I'm not his mama. LOL He's just pissed that he can't control me anymore. I'm not going to sit around waiting for him. The kids deserve some normalcy, I deserve some normalcy.
He's also really pissed about how much I asked for in child support. I've asked him several times how much he makes and he's absolutely refused to tell me. Although, I'm not stupid. He works nights at a strip club barbacking. He get's tip outs from all the chicks. He was bragging about making $300 the other day. I don't feel bad for him. I simply used last years W-2 for him and calculated it from that. So, he owes $480.16 a month. I really think that's reasonable considering how much I spend on the girls and living expenses.

Anyway, I'm really sad that it had to come to this. I still love him so much. But I'm not going to do it anymore. I deserve better. I just wish that the person that I loved wasn't such an asshole. I'm so disappointed that he doesn't even want to take care of his kids. I'm not talking about financially either... hell, he couldn't even bother to go to court to turn in an answer so that we got custody down correctly for everyone.

When will my heart stop hurting? I miss the person that he used to be so much.

...been a while

It's been a while, I know. I don't even know where to start. I'm still here, in the damn shelter that I've been staying at... but am finally moving out to my own place this week. John and I are still obviously separated. I filed for divorce almost two months ago... John still hasn't responded to the paperwork, so that's at a standstill. I guess I need to figure out where to get the money to have him served. It's not fair. I just want to be free of this shit. I need to have the finalization to realize that I deserve better and I should stop caring about him. If that makes sense. I also really need to have custody stuff down, in stone. It would be pretty nice if he also had a legal obligation to start paying me some damn child support.
Other than that, I've been making it I guess. I am/was sorta seeing someone... but that is probably done now. I'm done being treated like crap and I think that this whole stuff with John has made me hyper aware of how I want to be treated. Anyway, this guy hasn't really done anything horrible... but he just does some stuff that I don't see myself being comfortable with in the long run. Today was the last straw when we were supposed to go to breakfast together and he didn't return my phone call, then didn't call or text the rest of the day with some kind of apology/explanation.

On a side note, I started playing rugby. It's awesome... but I'm so so sore. I absolutely LOVE everyone on my team though. I can't wait to get to know them better. I've been lacking in the friend department for way too long.

The day after I left?!?!?! Are you serious?!?!?! FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU. I fucking hate you so much. There were more, much, much more.... but he deleted them before I could get pictures.

Broken

My heart is just broken into a million pieces now. I will stay strong. I will not let them see me cry. I can do this. I can make it on my own.


I'm so sad though. It hurts more than I'll ever be able to describe that the person you love enough to marry isn't the same person you thought he was.

I will rise above it all. It's the best thing to do for June and Stella. I'm giving them a better life.

Okay, this is rather personal... but it's not like anyone reads this anyway

I think I want to leave him... and I think I've wanted to for a while. I just don't know how. I'll have no car, no place to stay, no money, and I'll have to figure out the whole school and work thing by myself. Not to mention that I really, really don't want to be a single parent. But really, I have no idea why we're still together. Every time I try to be reasonable and tell him how I'm feeling, it somehow turns around and he's the one that is so unhappy and blah, blah, blah. I just don't care. I'm tired of being invalidated every time I try to mention something. Then when I get really upset, he does stuff that's just controlling. Like I just wanted to go for a drive last night and he wouldn't give me the fucking car keys because I couldn't be trusted to come back. Seriously, it's not like I was packing up and taking the kids or anything. It's just a little way of controlling me and I'm tired of it. If I do make it clear that I'm leaving, he's not going to help me with crap. I'm going to have to do it all on my own. My mom isn't going to help me either. Every time I try to mention to her that I'm unhappy she tells me to just stick it out because John is good dad and we're just going through a rough spot. She doesn't even know half the shit. We've gone to counseling... and I don't know what good it did. It seemed like I was the only one making an effort.
Today I asked him to take some vacation so that we could figure stuff out with our relationship and sort through things at the house because we have too much stuff anyway and he said no. When I asked why, he said he's tired of using all his vacation on things that aren't vacation. So I said, you used your vacation for Stella's birth... and then he said that he meant he was tired of using his vacation on things that weren't for himself. That hurt me to the core. I didn't ask him to elaborate, I just hung up on him... even though I am generally opposed to hanging up on people. I just can't see how he couldn't see taking off work for Stella's birth as vacation for himself too. He hasn't called back.
I don't know what to do. I feel so stuck and so unhappy. It hurts knowing that the person that you thought you would love forever isn't that person anymore. I just want to disappear.

Hi!

I'm still alive, life is good. Although, I'm tired all the time. Stella is about to be six months old. It's freaking crazy how fast time has gone by.