Monday, November 19, 2007

A rant

How fucking dare you put all this shit on me? I know that this friendship was a two way street, and I'm sorry that you've been depressed. But jesus christ, I've always been there for you... asking you how you're doing. It's not my fucking fault that you don't talk to me anymore.

Do you even realize what the last 6-7 months of my life have been like? I made the biggest commitment of my life, and haven't even been able to spend more than a month's time with my husband. Do you know how much that fucking sucks? How much I hate myself and blame myself for him leaving? Sometimes I even hate the kiddo for that, and that makes me feel like a horrible person.
Do you know what it's like going to your doctors appointments and sonograms all by yourself? Or having to find out the gender of your child all by yourself and then waiting for the phone call so that you can actually tell your husband... not knowing when it's going to be. Hell, not knowing when any phone calls are going to be... and wanting to fucking die when I realized that I missed a phone call.
Do you know what it's like feeling those first little kicks, and being so freaking excited... and having no one to share it with? Or going to those damn childbirth classes all by myself and seeing all the cute couples... wishing that I had someone there for me. Everytime I see one of those guys at the classes feeling the chicks tummy to feel the little kicks, I die a little bit inside. I fucking hate those couples for having something that I was robbed of.
Do you know how fucking scared I am to be having a child? Do you know how much it hurts that John can't even be there for the birth? Did you know that I don't even want to fucking be induced? I'm only doing it so that I can assure that John gets to meet his daughter before he has to leave again for another month. Do you realize how fucking scared I am about being a parent AND being all alone for a month?
All I've wanted is SOMEONE to be there with me... and you never even came to my baby shower. It's not necessarily the baby shower that matters either, it's the effort. I let you know well in advance, more than a month.... Yet, you call me less than a week before, and ask when it was again.... then state that you can't get off work.
You last called me several months ago, and it was the last time that you showed an honest interest in my well being... and it turned out all you wanted a peace corps recommendation. Do you know how much that hurt?

So, why the fuck should I have told you that I was having my kid on Wednesday? What fucking right did you have to actually know? You haven't given a shit at all, yet you get offended that I didn't tell you. Well ya know what, you're right... it is a two way street... and you haven't done shit.

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