Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Okay, this is rather personal... but it's not like anyone reads this anyway

I think I want to leave him... and I think I've wanted to for a while. I just don't know how. I'll have no car, no place to stay, no money, and I'll have to figure out the whole school and work thing by myself. Not to mention that I really, really don't want to be a single parent. But really, I have no idea why we're still together. Every time I try to be reasonable and tell him how I'm feeling, it somehow turns around and he's the one that is so unhappy and blah, blah, blah. I just don't care. I'm tired of being invalidated every time I try to mention something. Then when I get really upset, he does stuff that's just controlling. Like I just wanted to go for a drive last night and he wouldn't give me the fucking car keys because I couldn't be trusted to come back. Seriously, it's not like I was packing up and taking the kids or anything. It's just a little way of controlling me and I'm tired of it. If I do make it clear that I'm leaving, he's not going to help me with crap. I'm going to have to do it all on my own. My mom isn't going to help me either. Every time I try to mention to her that I'm unhappy she tells me to just stick it out because John is good dad and we're just going through a rough spot. She doesn't even know half the shit. We've gone to counseling... and I don't know what good it did. It seemed like I was the only one making an effort.
Today I asked him to take some vacation so that we could figure stuff out with our relationship and sort through things at the house because we have too much stuff anyway and he said no. When I asked why, he said he's tired of using all his vacation on things that aren't vacation. So I said, you used your vacation for Stella's birth... and then he said that he meant he was tired of using his vacation on things that weren't for himself. That hurt me to the core. I didn't ask him to elaborate, I just hung up on him... even though I am generally opposed to hanging up on people. I just can't see how he couldn't see taking off work for Stella's birth as vacation for himself too. He hasn't called back.
I don't know what to do. I feel so stuck and so unhappy. It hurts knowing that the person that you thought you would love forever isn't that person anymore. I just want to disappear.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010


I'm still alive, life is good. Although, I'm tired all the time. Stella is about to be six months old. It's freaking crazy how fast time has gone by.