I'm not mad. He's not mad. Everything is okay on that front. I'm just empty. Really empty. He said that he's reconsidered and he thinks the whole family thing isn't for him. Oh it hurts. It really, really hurts. Life isn't always what you think it ought to be.

let it be

"Isn't a love story, after all, just a story about love? Must the story end happily for the love to have been real? There are many kinds of love, after all. Love that cannot harm and love that never abandons and love that cannot imagine betrayal. And then there is love that corrupts, and love that destroys, and love that works in the blood like poison. And they are not so far apart as you might think."
-Unknown

I told him that I was moving to Portland before we started dating. Now he tells me that he has no interest in moving with me. I'm so in love with him. I sacrifice so much for him. I want the same from him. This hurts. So bad. I don't know what to do to make it feel better. We live together for christ sake. This is so unfair to me. I don't even know the point in being together anymore.

Life

I know I'm not here that often.I've never been much of a journal-er but it's nice to just get it out sometimes. I don't even know how to go into the complexities of my mind. Hopefully I can make something of this jumbled up mess when I look back in a year or so. I'm so happy. I really am. I am in love. I haven't ever felt like this in a relationship. We've been dating for 6 months now and living together for the past 4 of those months. I know, it's crazy. He is living with me and my girls. Who does that so soon? We have nothing in common. Absolutely nothing... but damn, we are so great for each other. We don't argue; we have logical, thoughtful conversations. It's amazing. He's so patient. And so kind. We're really compatible. I'm so, so in love.

But, even with how overwhelmingly in love I am, I'm angry. There's a couple factors in this, but it mostly boils down to how angry I am at my ex-husband. I don't understand how he can just ignore the fact that he has two beautiful girls that he never sees or talks to. The last time he saw or talked to them was Father's Day. That was TWO months ago. Shit, the only reason he came over on Father's Day was because I guilted him into it. I had June call him that morning after I had been unsuccessful contacting him in the days before. Anyway, he didn't answer. She left a message. Hours went by. Finally, at 2pm I sent him a text saying "Oh come on. You really don't want to see your kids on Father's Day?!? What the hell is wrong with you???? They love you and miss you." There wasn't a response until 6:30pm. He said "I just left work and I have to go home and shower. Is it cool if I come over before the girls go to bed?" Keep in mind, Father's Day was a Sunday and he had been previously bragging about having a job that gave him weekends off. Anyway, I just told him they were going to bed soon and that he should hurry up. He finally got there at 8:15pm. He stayed for about two hours keeping the kiddos up.

I'm really almost over the fact that he doesn't pay child support. I try not to think about him being 8.5K in the hole too much. I can live without his help. Really, I'm going to get a pretty decent promotion at work one day. It's just slow moving. In the meantime, Joel has a really great, well-paying job. Besides, we can afford things enough to pay out of pocket for full time college for me and that's what really matters. Really, life is good enough financially.

But I still don't get it. How can you be so selfish that you feign anger with me as the reason you don't see your kids? I have bent over backwards more times than I care to count to help him have a relationship with his kids... and all he does is walk all over all of us. He doesn't care about them. If he did, he would see them. He would call them. He would give up anything to be with them. Instead I have to force him or guilt him to see them. How can he not care that some other man is helping raise his kids?

Sometimes, just sometimes, I think I really miss him. I miss him as a friend. I miss him as a partner. I miss the freckles on the tan line on his bicep. I miss the way he held me. We knew everything about one another. All our secrets, all our fears. But, all they are are memories. I was always an eternal optimist, always looked for the silver lining. I can remember the good times so vividly, but the bad times not as much... and I sure as hell know they outweighed the good times by far. I don't reflect on how depressed I used to be much. I mean, it was depressing dammit. But, I'm so thankful I left him. I didn't want to be my mom. I didn't want my kids to grow up in that environment. It was toxic... and really, it's not like John was ever really that involved. I had to drag him out to interact with his kids. Ha, it's not like anything really changed.

But, here it is, it's all out in the open. I don't want to be angry any more. I have two wonderful, amazing, smart, beautiful girls. They'll realize what a piece of crap their dad is one day. Until then, I'll be a kickass parent, do good by them, and keep my head held high when dad shows up occasionally. Hopefully this vent will be something amazing to reflect on and grow on.

Funnily enough, I just realized I've been divorced for two years at the end of this month. It really doesn't seem like it's been that long. Ya know, I really think that I'm gonna be alright. :)

I think I'm too much of a romantic...

I want this all the time...

So happy.

I love his hands. The way they count money, it's so articulate and precise. It really is beautiful. I love the way they hold me. It's electric. The way he touches me makes me melt. Oh gawd and when he smiles at me, my heart flutters. I am so, so happy. THIS is the guy I should have been dating my whole life. We are so perfect together. I'm so happy. He's the one, just wait.

Conflicted

So, I started playing rugby after John and I split up. My first day was actually on my birthday last year, July 26th. I originally started for a myriad of reasons... I wanted to feel more confident in myself, I wanted to play sports again, I wanted a healthy way to get out my aggression, I needed a new set of friends, and I desperately needed something that was just for me and made me feel good for me. Well, what better sport than Rugby? It's the only full contact womens sport and it's in my blood. I mean, my cousin was player of the year for England for christ sakes. I ought to be good at it.

Well, I failed to realize that I was much more overweight than when I was playing sports in high school, that I hadn't really been that athletic since high school and I had two children... the youngest having had been just 8 months prior. Anyway, I knew they didn't think I'd stick around, but I've kept with it and only kept improving.

I know that I wasn't the easiest person to deal with last season, I was actually a huge fucking asshole. Like totally huge. But then again, I was a single parent with no help, living in a fucking shelter, going through a divorce. Now that I think about it... maybe it wasn't the best time for me to have picked up playing rugby.

Anyway, I think my attitude was a little off-putting... so I didn't really feel like I fit in at all last season. But, they certainly did try... and I did too especially people told me to chill the fuck out.

But, this season, it seems like it's gotten worse. I feel like the comradery is there for everyone else but me. It's sad. I'm now a damn veteran and I don't feel like I fit in at all. I don't even feel like anyone is really putting forth the effort. I've tried to make amends but there was apparently no point.

Although, now I've made the mistake of falling in love with rugby. I love the way it makes me feel. It makes me happy. I'm playing flanker, which is what I wanted to play. I feel like I've gotten better at rugby skills. I also feel I've now gotten better at flanking. I actually tackled the scrumhalf right off of a scrum during my 6 minutes of playing time in OK this weekend. I've just got to the point where things are starting to feel better and things are starting to click... But then again, I can't live like this. I can't play on a team that I feel like such an outcast in. But I love it so much dammit. This is really tearing me up inside. I don't know what to do. I just really feel so uncomfortable around my team. That's not the way it should be. Why is this so hard?

I really think I'm going to stop playing. I wish I could move and just play rugby somewhere else. Maybe I'll just figure out how to go to school and have children and play rugby then just play for Texas State. Sigh. Why can't life be easier?

Sometimes

Sometimes I feel like the loneliest person in the world, even though I'm surrounded by friends. I don't know how to get over this feeling.

I went to Jiffy Lube today to get an oil change and one of the employees was super cute and a big flirt. He also had a sleeve (tattoo). I've never dated anyone with a tattoo before! Anyway, as I was leaving he was super flirty and opened my door and said, "Maybe I'll see you around sometime" Then I said, "Probably not, I don't really come to jiffy lube that much".. then left. DOH! What an idiot.
So, I was still kicking myself in the ass after I saw my patient and on the way back I stopped by Jiffy Lube to give the guy (Joseph) my number. Go me! He said, "Thank you!" Then I said "Haha, Thank you?" and he said "Uh, yeah, I'll totally call you."

So, we'll see how this goes. I'm rather proud that I've been single over 6 months now. :)

Although, I do still wish that John loved me. :'(

blank

Oh how I wish he loved me as much as I love(d) him.

I've been rather morose tonight. I read this craigslist ad that was a lady giving away baby clothes because her only baby died at two months of age. It was so bittersweet. I bawled so much. Then I watched My Sister's Keeper and I think I bawled throughout the whole movie. Then I listened to Colbie Callait. I really hate her new song, "I Never Told You" it just remind me of John. I don't get it. Why do I still love him? He doesn't love me... he just uses me and treats me like crap. He's selfish. He even puts himself before the kids. That's unacceptable. I deserve much, much better... so why, why, WHY do I still love him? It still hurts so bad to know that he didn't care about me enough to want to change... or even attempt to change. My heart is still broken. I kinda want to find someone else to date, just to get my mind off of things... but I know that's not healthy. I need to learn how to stand on my own two feet. I just want someone to treat me right, for the first time in my life.

On a more positive note, I applied for a job heading up the child passenger safety program of a hospital in Chicago. I've had 3 interviews. I'm 1 out of 3 people being considered. Those are pretty good odds right? This is seriously my dream job. I would sacrifice so much to make this work if I got it. I would be the best CPST ever. Also, I think it would be amazing for me to get out of Texas. Sure, I would miss my family and maybe some people here... although, I don't really have many friends... more like acquaintances. I would also miss rugby. I think Lach is a fantastic coach... but it's worth it. Besides, they have THREE women's rugby teams in Chicago. Isn't that fantastic? Oh, I really, really hope I get it.

Today

I got divorced today. John never turned in the answer paperwork, so I finally had him served... yet he still didn't do it. So, I went down to the courthouse and got a default judgement today. I'm tired of waiting for him. I have been trying to get together with him to talk about custody for three weeks... and after this last weekend, I am through arguing. I didn't technically have to give him any over night visits since the kids are under three, but I did. John gets the kids the first, third and fifth weekend of the month. No extended visits. After they're three, the standard visitation order goes into effect. I think that's pretty fair. I also didn't ask for back child support. Even though he hasn't helped me with crap. Although, he did pay the car payment this month, so apparently I need to pay him back for that. It's not happening though.
Anyway, after I got all the divorce stuff done today, I attempted to call John. He sent me a text message saying he was sleeping and that he would call me back later. I texted back saying that I was just letting him know that we were divorced, he owed child support starting tomorrow and it was his weekend with the kids this coming weekend. Needless to say, he shit a brick. He was not happy that I didn't let him know I was going to court. I told him that it wasn't my problem that he didn't take care of his legal obligations. I'm not his mama. LOL He's just pissed that he can't control me anymore. I'm not going to sit around waiting for him. The kids deserve some normalcy, I deserve some normalcy.
He's also really pissed about how much I asked for in child support. I've asked him several times how much he makes and he's absolutely refused to tell me. Although, I'm not stupid. He works nights at a strip club barbacking. He get's tip outs from all the chicks. He was bragging about making $300 the other day. I don't feel bad for him. I simply used last years W-2 for him and calculated it from that. So, he owes $480.16 a month. I really think that's reasonable considering how much I spend on the girls and living expenses.

Anyway, I'm really sad that it had to come to this. I still love him so much. But I'm not going to do it anymore. I deserve better. I just wish that the person that I loved wasn't such an asshole. I'm so disappointed that he doesn't even want to take care of his kids. I'm not talking about financially either... hell, he couldn't even bother to go to court to turn in an answer so that we got custody down correctly for everyone.

When will my heart stop hurting? I miss the person that he used to be so much.

...been a while

It's been a while, I know. I don't even know where to start. I'm still here, in the damn shelter that I've been staying at... but am finally moving out to my own place this week. John and I are still obviously separated. I filed for divorce almost two months ago... John still hasn't responded to the paperwork, so that's at a standstill. I guess I need to figure out where to get the money to have him served. It's not fair. I just want to be free of this shit. I need to have the finalization to realize that I deserve better and I should stop caring about him. If that makes sense. I also really need to have custody stuff down, in stone. It would be pretty nice if he also had a legal obligation to start paying me some damn child support.
Other than that, I've been making it I guess. I am/was sorta seeing someone... but that is probably done now. I'm done being treated like crap and I think that this whole stuff with John has made me hyper aware of how I want to be treated. Anyway, this guy hasn't really done anything horrible... but he just does some stuff that I don't see myself being comfortable with in the long run. Today was the last straw when we were supposed to go to breakfast together and he didn't return my phone call, then didn't call or text the rest of the day with some kind of apology/explanation.

On a side note, I started playing rugby. It's awesome... but I'm so so sore. I absolutely LOVE everyone on my team though. I can't wait to get to know them better. I've been lacking in the friend department for way too long.

The day after I left?!?!?! Are you serious?!?!?! FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU. I fucking hate you so much. There were more, much, much more.... but he deleted them before I could get pictures.

Broken

My heart is just broken into a million pieces now. I will stay strong. I will not let them see me cry. I can do this. I can make it on my own.


I'm so sad though. It hurts more than I'll ever be able to describe that the person you love enough to marry isn't the same person you thought he was.

I will rise above it all. It's the best thing to do for June and Stella. I'm giving them a better life.

Okay, this is rather personal... but it's not like anyone reads this anyway

I think I want to leave him... and I think I've wanted to for a while. I just don't know how. I'll have no car, no place to stay, no money, and I'll have to figure out the whole school and work thing by myself. Not to mention that I really, really don't want to be a single parent. But really, I have no idea why we're still together. Every time I try to be reasonable and tell him how I'm feeling, it somehow turns around and he's the one that is so unhappy and blah, blah, blah. I just don't care. I'm tired of being invalidated every time I try to mention something. Then when I get really upset, he does stuff that's just controlling. Like I just wanted to go for a drive last night and he wouldn't give me the fucking car keys because I couldn't be trusted to come back. Seriously, it's not like I was packing up and taking the kids or anything. It's just a little way of controlling me and I'm tired of it. If I do make it clear that I'm leaving, he's not going to help me with crap. I'm going to have to do it all on my own. My mom isn't going to help me either. Every time I try to mention to her that I'm unhappy she tells me to just stick it out because John is good dad and we're just going through a rough spot. She doesn't even know half the shit. We've gone to counseling... and I don't know what good it did. It seemed like I was the only one making an effort.
Today I asked him to take some vacation so that we could figure stuff out with our relationship and sort through things at the house because we have too much stuff anyway and he said no. When I asked why, he said he's tired of using all his vacation on things that aren't vacation. So I said, you used your vacation for Stella's birth... and then he said that he meant he was tired of using his vacation on things that weren't for himself. That hurt me to the core. I didn't ask him to elaborate, I just hung up on him... even though I am generally opposed to hanging up on people. I just can't see how he couldn't see taking off work for Stella's birth as vacation for himself too. He hasn't called back.
I don't know what to do. I feel so stuck and so unhappy. It hurts knowing that the person that you thought you would love forever isn't that person anymore. I just want to disappear.

Hi!

I'm still alive, life is good. Although, I'm tired all the time. Stella is about to be six months old. It's freaking crazy how fast time has gone by.

Stella is here

Birth Story of Stella
Born Sept. 22 2009
6:02pm
8lbs 1oz
21.5 inches

So, I always heard that you KNOW when you go into labor. I never found out about the truth of that when June was born (since she was induced), so this was a first time experience for me. I thought I had been having wretched prodromal labor for weeks... but when contractions started on Sunday morning around 3am, I knew for sure this was different. I waited for a while and when they got stronger, longer and about 6-8 minutes apart, I decided to call my midwife and let her know. Well, just my luck, there were two other people in labor at that exact moment. I think this subconsciously slowed down my contractions... and stalled my labor. (Which I'm not complaining about because I'm glad that my midwife was able to be there through the whole thing.) While waiting to see what I was going to happen I went for a walk and that made things a little more regular... I had John check my cervix (thank you google!) and he thought I was around a 3... so I just tried to relax and was able to get a little sleep... but it made my contractions irregular and slow down.
Later that night, contractions picked back up to 6-7 minutes apart and I was having a hard time focusing on anything else but the contractions. But, it seems that baby was empathetic and decided to let everyone attempt to get some more rest... thankfully, everyone got a little rest (but me it seemed like.. haha) But John and I did get in some shopping and food (mmm Einstein's bagels).
My midwife came over about mid-afternoon and checked my cervix, it was 3cm but went to 4.5cm during a contraction. She vigorously stripped my membranes hoping to move things along faster. By this time I was getting tired of the irregular contractions and was finding it hard to rest as my contractions were stronger when I was lying down. I tried resting on the birthing ball, and it was great for a while... but my bag of waters was bulging and it made for an incredible amount of pressure. My midwife eventually passed out on the floor in June's room and John passed out on the bed. I attempted to sleep, but it was impossible. My midwife was having a hard time sleeping so she went to try to get a nap at home around 3am. Of course this was when contractions picked up... and her assistant came over around 6am. Around this time, I was exhausted and decided that I wasn't going to be able to focus with June there... so I gave in and called my mom to come get her. My mom brought breakfast and we ate a bit and went for a walk with June in the rain.
I was having a hard time focusing on labor while "entertaining" company so my mom took June to her house. By this time, it was around 10am and my midwife had come back.
She checked me, and I was only at 6cm... and my bag of waters was still bulging incredibly which made for a horrid amount of pressure. She suggested I try to get a last little bit of sleep... but that proved impossible. So, after about an hour of me not sleeping, she broke my water.
Contractions picked up immensely. I was "dancing" with John for about 2 hours and was still only at 7cm. When I didn't think I could take the pain anymore, I opted to get in the tub... against my midwife's wishes because she thought it would slow things down even more. But, the tub helped incredibly. At this time, I was really ready to give up because I was so tired and tired about not progressing fast at all. But, in the water I curled up with John and focused with all of my power to just give in to the pain and relax. I was in the tub for about an hour and only gained an extra half a cm or so. So, I finally got out, but I was once again in the right mindset for this. I almost gave up... I'm glad they didn't let me. I was begging to go to the hospital, even though with the doctor on call, I would have surely ended up with another c-section.
I then attempted to go upstairs to our room... which is really hard in transition, and it took me about 30 minutes to walk a flight of stairs. But, once we got there, I knew things were progressing much faster and I proceeded to "dance" with John, which mostly consisted of me yelling/groaning during contractions and him having to hold me up a lot. Poor John, as the contractions were coming really fast at every 1-2 minutes.
I then got in the shower because I needed to focus on something, anything to get my mind off the pain for a minute. Contractions were still fast and strong, but hot water helped. Although, by this time I was emotionally and physically exhausted.
I stayed in the water until the hot ran out, and then got back out to hang off John and get through the contractions. I then felt like I needed to push, but all I wanted to do was lie down. So, I opted for a birthing position (chin to chest on my back) that I never thought I would use... but I was so tired, it provided me an amazing opportunity to sleep (30 seconds - 1 minute) between contractions. It was exactly what I needed. My midwife kept offering me a myriad of other pushing options... but I really needed the sleep. After about 45min to an hour of contractions/sleeping I could finally feel the baby crowning. John was so freaking amazing... I never expected him to be one that wanted to catch the baby or be right there in the midst of action, but he was. My midwife said with my next push the baby was going to come flying out... so John threw my leg aside and swept in and caught the baby. He put the baby on my chest and said "say hello to Stella". (I was in shock, I really honestly truly thought this was a boy the whole time.) I was incredibly thrilled and happy that I was able to handle everything so much better than I ever anticipated.
John cuddled with me while we dried up the baby and I was shocked to realize that it really is true how much more alert a non-drugged baby is. I thought June was pretty darn alert and everything after her birth, which she was... but Stella was even more so. It was quite a comparison.
Anyway, I opted to let the midwifes and apprentices do the vitals and screening first before I nursed so they could get ready to head home faster... as they had been there for a long time. I also got 2 stitches... but am pleasantly surprised that I didn't tear more.
When I found out that Stella was 8lbs 1oz it only further affirmed my knowledge in knowing that I did the right thing by having her at home, as the doctor that did my c-section for June, told me my failure to progress was due to her not being able to fit through my pelvis... she was 7lbs 1oz... a full pound smaller. So F you doctor. I proved you wrong!

Stella is also nursing like a champ and already in cloth diapers.

guilt

I've been having a lot of guilt as of lately. Guilt about how the birth of June went. As I learn more, I am so guilty about having been induced. I was depressed and all I wanted was for my husband to have been home to meet her. Knowing what I know now, I would have waited. It's not like June isn't fine... but my labor was nowhere near what I wanted it to be like. June would have probably been closer to 8lbs or more if I had waited. Her weight of 7lbs and 1oz was too low for my comfort, and she was born the day before she was due. I know quite a few people that are pregnant and are already scheduling inductions about 2 weeks before their due date. Considering normal gestation is about 41-42 weeks, this is almost a month early. What the hell? Where is the personal accountability of these doctors? My friend Karen scheduled a c-section a week and a half before she was due because her last child ended up being a c-section because of "failure to progress". She had only been in labor 10 hours!!! I tried to give her objective information, and she didn't listen. Her son was born at 5lbs and 6oz. That is way too small. Why someone would actually want a c-section is beyond my comprehension. I just don't get it. She also ended up with MRSA and almost died to her doctor not understanding the seriousness of her complaints. If she wouldn't have gone to the emergency room, who knows what would have happened.

All these people having inductions really upset me. I fully believe in informed consent, and I don't believe that a lot of doctors are giving the patients that information. It's unethical.

I've actually been really considering becoming a midwife. But then again, it seems people that consider a midwife are more aware of their options. Maybe I should be an obstetrician. At least I know that I would be an ethical obstetrician. I would definitely not intervene with a baby's growth and development unless medically necessary. No unnecessary c-sections or inductions for me. Babies normally come when they're ready damn it. Why doesn't anyone understand that?

Okay, off my soapbox now. *sigh*

confusion

I don't know if I can do this anymore. I know I've said that before... but I'm seriously tired of this. I hate John. I really really hate John. Our relationship isn't healthy. I can't deal with this anymore. He's never going to change, and I need to realize that. I wish life was easier.

Gran Torino

So, I just watched Gran Torino. It was bittersweet. I would write more, but I have to reflect a little more. Although, you should see it. Now.